Ermintrude Strikes Again
by Mara Greengrass
Summary: The gang is trying to catch a blackmailer, but relatives complicate the task. This follows Ermintrude Saves the Day and Ellen Klomp's Ermintrude Makes A Point.


TITLE: Ermintrude Strikes Again  
AUTHOR: Mara Greengrass  
AUTHOR'S EMAIL: fishfolk@ix.netcom.com. Feedback is better than chocolate.  
PERMISSION TO ARCHIVE: Sure.  
CATEGORY: Gen, humor  
RATINGS/WARNINGS: G, because Ermintrude doesn't approve of gratuitous violence, sex, or bad language  
MAIN CHARACTER(S): Phileas, Rebecca, Jules, Passepartout  
SUMMARY: The gang is trying to catch a blackmailer, but relatives complicate the task. This follows Ermintrude Saves the Day and Ellen Klomp's Ermintrude Makes A Point.  
DISCLAIMER: Phileas, Rebecca, Jules and Passepartout belong to Talisman Crest Ltd., but I suppose I own Ermintrude, Thaddeus, and anyone else who appears here. I promise I'll return everyone in good shape without making any money whatsoever off of them.  
NOTES: Well, everyone liked Ermintrude so much, I had to bring her back. Anyway, she's fun to write about, so I hope you enjoy this story as well. Thanks to everyone who offered suggestions. Chesh, thanks especially for your suggestion, which inspired my favorite scene. As always, thanks to Aspen for beta-reading.  
  
******************************  
  
Jules settled into a chair in the study of the Fogg townhouse with a sigh. He was pleased to rejoin his friends for a few days, but he wished they would return to Paris. Catching up to them in London was tiring.  
  
"Monsieur Jules, the classes, they go well?" Passepartout asked as he entered the room.  
  
"Moderately, Passepartout. How is Rebecca's mission going?"  
  
"My master and Miss Rebecca have had luck of the very bad variety. I hope today was a better day."  
  
Phileas stomped into the room. "Hello, Verne. No, Passepartout, it was *not* a better day. In fact, I can hardly imagine how it could have been a worse day."  
  
Right on his heels appeared Rebecca. "Phileas, you will not believe who I saw in the park this afternoon. Thaddeus! He kept interrupting me when I tried to question people. Oh, hello Jules."  
  
Phileas sank into a chair and rubbed his face as Passepartout went to answer a ring at the door. "Amazing, my day just got worse. That's not Thaddeus at the door, is it? That little weasel is not welcome here."  
  
"I hope not," Rebecca said. "If we're lucky, we'll be in Paris before he tries to visit."  
  
Passepartout almost ran into the room.  
  
"Good lord, man, is the League after you?" Phileas asked irritably.  
  
"Worse, master." Passepartout whispered.  
  
Rebecca turned to the door and smiled. "Ermie, I'm so glad you're here. We could use your help."  
  
Jules, Phileas, and Passepartout could only gaze in fear as Ermintrude Fogg leaned her umbrella against the couch and sat down. "Hello children, so nice to see you again. I received your message, Rebecca, what is the problem?"  
  
"Thaddeus is in town and we're tracking a blackmailer."  
  
Ermintrude dismissed the minor problem and focused on Rebecca's real difficulty. "Thaddeus? Good heavens, I thought he had been safely shipped off to America or Australia after the diamond mine scheme went bust. I distinctly remember his father complaining about it. Naturally, I had very little sympathy. I wouldn't have coddled the child the way his parents did."  
  
"He was in America," Phileas said, "and I, for one, wish he had stayed there. I haven't forgiven him for his behavior with the parlormaid that last Christmas. She was just a child."  
  
Jules turned to Phileas. "Who is Thaddeus?"  
  
"Thaddeus Cooper is another cousin."  
  
"Another one? Fogg, how many relatives do you have?"  
  
"Too many." Phileas slumped even further into his chair and began to seriously consider taking the Aurora and leaving immediately for Monte Carlo. "Thaddeus is a particularly despicable twig off our family tree, I'm afraid. He manages to be both a coward *and* a bully."  
  
"So," Ermintrude began, after rapping Phileas on the ankle to get him to sit up straight, "besides dealing with Thaddeus, there is a blackmailer."  
  
"This mission looked straightforward enough," Rebecca said. "Admiral Charles Peabody appears to be giving naval secrets to someone and Chatsworth believes he is being blackmailed. But our attempts to investigate keep getting sidetracked."  
  
"Why doesn't Chatsworth simply arrest the Admiral?" Jules asked.  
  
"He's too highly placed in society, I'm afraid," Rebecca said. "If he were arrested and we failed to prove our case, it would be a severe blow to the Service. We need to catch the blackmailer and remove the Admiral carefully."  
  
Phileas suddenly realized he had a way to get out of this situation. "Well, good to see you, Jules, Aunt Ermintrude, but I must dash, urgent business."  
  
As he sped out of the room, Rebecca's voice floated after him: "Phileas, do remember you are gambling to get information, not to make enough money to buy another airship."  
  
*******************************  
  
"I've dealt with a blackmailer before," Ermintrude said, pulling knitting out of her bag.  
  
"I remember," Rebecca said.  
  
"What happened?" Jules asked.  
  
"Well, Phileas and Rebecca were all of fourteen and eight," Ermintrude said, "and Phileas had a perfectly adequate allowance that was disappearing with suspicious speed. Now, my nephew Boniface was a good man, but not terribly observant. And Rebecca wouldn't tell me anything."  
  
Jules looked at Rebecca, but she was busying herself with some papers on the desk. "Someone was blackmailing Phileas?"  
  
"Not exactly. Someone was blackmailing Rebecca but Phileas was paying for her."  
  
"I was too young to have an allowance," Rebecca said without looking up.  
  
Jules and Passepartout stared at her. Ermintrude said, "As I recall, the boy found out you were climbing out your window every night to go sit by the lake. You were worried Boniface would be angry. Silly of you."  
  
"Phileas said he wouldn't be upset, but I didn't believe him. I was rather new to the household, and concerned about my place. Phileas offered to give the blackmailer a beating, but I wanted to pay. So, Phileas paid in my place."  
  
"Until I figured it out," Ermintrude sniffed. "I had a talk with the young man. Then I told his mother and that was the end of that."  
  
"You dumped Thaddeus in the lake, Ermie."  
  
"That too. He really was a horrid child."  
  
"Indeed he was, and I doubt the intervening years have helped." Rebecca said. "I wonder what he is doing in town. I would have considered London far too dangerous for him. I know at least three fathers who have threatened him, not to mention the sheer number of his peers who can recall childhood incidents similar to mine."  
  
Ermintrude tapped her umbrella on the floor a few times. "I don't know what he is doing, but I doubt we will be pleased when we find out."  
  
**********************************  
  
Phileas arrived back at the house and found everyone deep in planning the next day's investigation.  
  
"You're back early, Fogg." Jules said.  
  
"Thaddeus showed up and decided to join the game."  
  
Rebecca looked up sharply at that. "Why? He's a terrible gambler. Don't tell me he had the gall to ask to borrow money."  
  
"Even *he* knows better than to ask me for money. No, as a matter of fact, he spent most of the game talking about you."  
  
"That brat is up to something." "Me? What about me?" "What does he want with her?"  
  
"Quiet, damn it!" Phileas shouted.  
  
"Language, Phileas," Ermintrude said.  
  
Phileas ignored her as he sat down. Passepartout immediately handed him a whiskey, which Phileas downed.  
  
"You still drink that?" Ermintrude said. "I thought the incident with the barmaid and the sheep cured you of that."  
  
"Aunt Ermintrude," Phileas said icily. "I have had an extraordinarily bad day, and I've just spent the last two hours listening to my odious cousin Thaddeus ask for advice on how to convince Rebecca to marry him. Please, spare me."  
  
After a pause, Rebecca asked, "You didn't actually kill him, did you?"  
  
"I'm glad you waited until his mother was dead before you killed him. I would have hated to explain it to her," Ermintrude said.  
  
"I didn't kill him," Phileas said. He frowned and looked away. "I beat him at cards and took all his money."  
  
"And?" Rebecca asked.  
  
"And I gave him a bad tip for tomorrow's races."  
  
"And?" Ermintrude asked.  
  
Phileas scowled at both of them and gave up. "And on the way out of the club I suggested to a naval officer that Thaddeus had made a slur about his mother. He promised he wouldn't leave too many marks."  
  
The room was dead silent except for the sound of Passepartout sensibly pouring another drink. Phileas rather enjoyed the sight of them completely speechless.  
  
"Now, can we get on with planning?" Nods all around. "Good. Now, I got a rather good lead from Hacker, who mentioned that the good Admiral has often been seen in the company of Lady Calvert."  
  
Jules recovered first. "You suspect an affair?"  
  
"He seemed to be implying it."  
  
"Would the Admiral betray his country to keep his wife from finding out?" Jules asked.  
  
"I'm not sure," Rebecca said, "but we can find out. I'll talk to some of his wife's friends."  
  
Ermintrude was eyeing Rebecca and Phileas. "I was thinking I might visit a few old friends tomorrow. I'll let you know what I find out."  
  
**********************************  
  
"I remember our days spying on Napoleon's men and reporting to the Duke of Wellington with great fondness," Ermintrude said, "and we have a chance here to recreate those days." She looked around the circle of women, all over the age of 70 and all veterans of the Napoleonic Wars. "I need your help."  
  
"What can we do? We're just a bunch of old women," one said.  
  
"Just? Don't be silly. Who better to learn the truth of the matter? Now listen, while I give you your assignments."  
  
All over London, grandmotherly women settled into their chairs and casually asked questions of their family and servants. All over London, people humored their grannies and thought nothing of it. Poor dears didn't get out much, after all. The ladies regrouped that afternoon to pool their knowledge.  
  
"No one suspected a thing," one crowed.  
  
"Of course not," Ermintrude said. "Now, what do we know about Admiral Peabody?"  
  
After the ladies reported on his apparent lack of interest in gambling, men, or other blackmailable offenses, Ermintrude smiled. "With those eliminated, it does seem to leave us with Rosalie Calvert, doesn't it?"  
  
"My niece has seen them together," one woman said.  
  
"So has my son," piped in another.  
  
"According to one of my maids, Lady Calvert sometimes dismisses her servants for the afternoon," another woman said.  
  
Heads nodded sagely at that. Very suspicious behavior indeed.  
  
Ermintrude frowned. "I need to talk to one of her servants. Where can I find them?"  
  
"Her cook's day off is today. You can probably find her visiting her mother. I'll get you the address," somebody said and bustled off to find the information.  
  
"Good," Ermintrude said. "I'll talk to her this evening. Now on to more important matters. What about Thaddeus Cooper?"  
  
**********************************  
  
Everyone assembled back at the residence at dinnertime. Over Passepartout's superb cooking, the facts began to fall into place.  
  
"He is certainly having an affair with her," Ermintrude said. "They meet when her husband is out of town and his wife out of the house."  
  
"Not only is Lady Peabody the jealous type," Rebecca said, "but she has the money. The Admiral would seem to have rather good motives for giving in to blackmail."  
  
Rebecca and Phileas described their work tracking the Admiral's movements in the last few weeks. Ermintrude added what she could from her contacts. One piece of unusual behavior stood out: the Admiral's almost daily flower purchases from a flower seller near his home.  
  
"Can't anyone come up with an *original* front for their criminal activities?" Phileas asked.   
  
"Maybe he buy flowers for his lady because he feel bad," Passepartout suggested.  
  
"Perhaps," Rebecca said, "but I think we should investigate the flower vendor. Jules, I do believe you want to buy me roses. We'll do that tomorrow."  
  
Rebecca seemed not to notice Phileas' glare at Jules, who looked rather as if she had asked him to dance, startled but thrilled. Ermintrude wondered if Rebecca had the slightest idea of her effect on men. Tsk. She obviously hadn't been listening during *that* lecture.  
  
Ermintrude pulled Rebecca aside after dinner. "I think I know what Thaddeus is up to."  
  
"Do I need to sit down?"  
  
"It's not that bad," Ermintrude said. "At least, it's not much worse than the news he wants to marry you."  
  
"Ermie, don't draw it out. *Why* does he want to marry me?" Rebecca crossed her arms.  
  
"Besides the obvious?" Ermintrude said, eyeing her beautiful great-niece.  
  
"Ermie."  
  
Ermintrude relented. "Apparently, his grandfather's will contains a provision that if Thaddeus does not marry a suitable woman by 35, he will lose a great deal of his future inheritance."  
  
"Suitable as defined by whom?"  
  
"As defined by his father."  
  
"I was afraid of that," Rebecca said. "He always thought we'd make a lovely couple."  
  
"On the bright side, he hasn't restricted Thaddeus' options *that* severely. But Thaddeus seems to think he has a chance with you."  
  
"When did he become delusional?"  
  
*******************************  
  
The next morning everyone but Ermintrude set out for the Admiral's fashionable Mayfair neighborhood. Ermintrude was annoyed to be left out, but she was convinced when Rebecca pointed out that the Admiral knew her and would undoubtedly flee if he saw her anywhere nearby. Phileas and Passepartout were following the Admiral and Rebecca and Jules were in place to approach the vendor at approximately the same time as the Admiral.  
  
Passepartout came around the corner and nodded to Rebecca, the sign to start moving. Rebecca put her arm through Jules' as they began to stroll toward the square containing the suspect flower girl. Jules was fighting the urge to grin, and concentrated on not tripping or otherwise doing something embarrassing.  
  
Their timing was perfect. The Admiral came into the square just a few moments before them. As the Admiral picked flowers and prepared to make his purchase (and presumably provide the naval secrets), Rebecca and Jules were poised to observe everything. And then...the inevitable occurred.  
  
"Rebecca!" Thaddeus, black eye, bruises, and all seemed to appear out of nowhere. How did he do that? Rebecca wondered. He stepped in front of her, blocking her view.  
  
"Thaddeus, not *now*," Rebecca said, trying to step around.  
  
"I think this is a perfect time. It's such a lovely day, why don't we take a walk?" Thaddeus oozed, his voice so oily you could put it on a griddle and make pancakes.  
  
"The lady said not now," Jules bristled, forgetting entirely about the mission at the sight of this man he disliked already.  
  
Rebecca groaned as she tried to see what the Admiral and the flower vendor were doing. She pushed past Thaddeus, who grabbed her arm. "Where are you going?"  
  
"Let go of her," Jules said.  
  
"Who the hell are you?" Thaddeus asked. Rebecca shook him off, but it was too late, the Admiral and the flower girl were watching them. "Who are you to tell me what I can do with Rebecca Fogg?"  
  
That was all the flower seller had to hear. She obviously recognized the name because she took off running, leaving a startled Admiral behind.  
  
Rebecca started to chase the vendor, Thaddeus grabbed her arm again, and Jules punched him in the jaw. Meanwhile, Passepartout ran into the square and grabbed the fleeing flower girl, followed by Phileas, who was momentarily unsure whether to grab her or hit Thaddeus. Phileas decided Rebecca could take care of herself and grabbed the flower girl, who was trying to bean Passepartout with a bundle of daisies wrapped around an iron pipe.  
  
Thaddeus reeled from Jules' punch, while Jules cradled his hand. "Why didn't you tell me that hurt?" he asked Rebecca, who wasn't paying attention to either of the men as she strode toward the Admiral. The Admiral was so surprised by the preceding events he was frozen in place.  
  
"What the hell is going on here?" asked the Admiral, who obviously did *not* recognize Rebecca's name. That was probably a good thing, since had he attempted to flee at this point a frustrated Rebecca would likely have done him some great injury.  
  
"Admiral Peabody? My associates have captured your contact," Rebecca said. "Why don't you come with me and we can talk about who is blackmailing you."  
  
The Admiral looked around wildly for help, but wasn't comforted by what he saw, namely Thaddeus and Jules still arguing, and Passepartout and Phileas tying up the flower vendor. "I don't know what you're talking about," he tried to bluff.  
  
"Come, Admiral, don't make this more difficult. We know you are having an affair and we know that if your wife finds out, you will be cut off from a lifestyle you enjoy."  
  
The Admiral gaped at Rebecca, doing his best dead fish impression. Rebecca sighed at the trouble men were causing her today, grabbed the Admiral by one arm and began towing him towards Thaddeus and Jules.  
  
"Come along, Verne," she said sharply, "Good day, Thaddeus and I'll thank you to go away now."  
  
"But Rebecca, he hit me..." Thaddeus began.  
  
"Go away, Thaddeus." Rebecca said. "I see your manners are still as poor as your wits."  
  
"But he said..." Jules tried.  
  
"I don't care. We're leaving. Oh, and Thaddeus? I wouldn't marry you if you were the last man in Europe." She took Jules by the arm and dragged him and the Admiral toward Phileas, Passepartout, and the flower girl, who was now neatly tied up and cursing steadily.  
  
Phileas grinned and opened his mouth.  
  
"Not a word," Rebecca said. "Not one word."  
  
**************************************  
  
Ermintrude met Rebecca and the others at the door of the townhouse several hours later, as they arrived back from Chatsworth's office.  
  
"Well?" she asked. "Is it done?"  
  
"Yes." Rebecca said.  
  
"You don't look pleased."  
  
"I would probably be more pleased," Rebecca said, glaring at her chastened accomplices "if Thaddeus hadn't shown up, and Jules had been able to keep quiet in the carriage, and Passepartout hadn't let the flower girl keep her iron pipe, and Phileas hadn't left the Admiral unconscious."  
  
"I just wanted to know why he..." Jules started.  
  
"She was all tidied up and..." Passepartout began.  
  
"I was *trying* to hit the flower girl," Phileas said.  
  
Ermintrude looked at the four of them. "Next time, I'm coming with you," she said firmly. 


End file.
